parental/child alienation

Most people would not imagine it is possible to completely lose contact with your child.  When it occurs, it is a difficult subject to introduce into a conversation, so both participants keep it to themselves, actively or passively without any understanding or development. 

If anybody feels they have anything to contribute, please submit them to;  

alienation2009@gmail.com

28th November 2021; letter to my solicitor

28th April 2021 a daughter's story

3rd January 2021; notes added re Second Affidavits

31st December 2020: response to the Second Affidavit

28th Feb 2019: When she was a child, I always presumed that the relationship with my youngest daughter, as with my other children, would never have been in question; she would live exclusively in my family home until she was eighteen years old before moving out, in the first instance, most likely to go to university. I would support her in whatever way necessary to help her through her life, to negotiate her way through all the obstacles life would present her and to make best use of her talents. This was not to represent interference in her life, to impose my views on her, rather to help her find her own way. I saw myself as a role model for her in that she would follow the same Christian values I had, like I followed in my parents' footsteps. They provided a secure environment for me, where I never worried about their love for me or the roof over my head, and it was my intention she would have the same security.

My expectation was not to be fulfilled. She is in the twenty second year of her life and she has not been in touch with me for the last ten years. She has completely disappeared from my field of vision. Member of my family or friends rarely mention her, as if it is accepted she didn't exist. It's like I shouldn't mention her or even think about her, almost suggesting it is my fault we have fallen apart. Or at least that's how it feels to me. If I mention her to somebody, the conversation is always awkward. "What age is she now?" and "Where does she live? Or "Is she studying?" There is no follow up and never a question about how I feel or if I miss her. Of course I miss her. She is my youngest daughter. I witnessed her coming into the world. It seems so natural to me that I should have strong feelings for her. Yet it seems I have to bury these feelings.

When we were first separated and court hearings were happening, I was advised to accept her desire not to see me, to keep my distance from her and to wait until she had a change of mind. One judge said "... of course she may be influenced by those around her now...", but not in a way that suggested there was anything wrong with that or that the court may take any action to rectify the situation or even a suggestion that they had any responsibility or desire to do so; the status quo was considered a place of safety, where her best interests lay. The fracture of her relationship with her father and his family and friends was seemingly acceptable collateral damage. There was no consideration that it may constitute emotional abuse of an eleven year old girl, who had no access to alternative views and no idea she may not be in a good place. At that time I always felt guilt that it was my responsibility or fault she was where she was, that it was something I had done or the way I had behaved, turning inevitably inward to my own thoughts without understanding the thoughts going through her mind. Of course some of the responsibility rested with me, but I didn't facilitate our separation. It was not until much later that I understood she had actually made a logical decision to protect herself. I do not consider the influences brought to bear on her just before our separation and probably years prior to it, significant as they were in her thought process, as they are something that could not be changed. What is difficult for me to comprehend is that the state of mind she reached at the point of making her decision, will remain indefinitely, locking out previous thoughts and memories of our relationship. There is nothing directly I can do to change that. The possibility of her breaking out of that state entirely by herself and re-instating that lost memory of a loving relationship with me, from what I have read by experts in the field of parental alienation, is so unlikely as to leave virtually no hope at all. There will have to be some event or incident or relationship that will guide the way to break through that barrier. It will have to be managed extremely sensitively. So many uncertainties. I am optimistic and pray it will happen.

Feb 2019:  I have been reading over my diary and journal notes trying to better understand the reasons why the relationship between my youngest daughter and myself broke down and why she came to the conclusion that she was better off out of my life.  A starting point was the subtle changes in our relationship before our separation.  Our relationship was discussed at the Family Court; I was about to type 'examined', but immediately realised that was not what happened, as any possibility of a relationship between myself and my daughter was hardly considered relevant to proceedings.  Altogether I was summoned to attend fourteen Family Court hearings, the first seven of which were around issues to do with my daughter.  I thought I would start with my notes at the time on each hearing, starting with the first.  I will add succeeding hearings in the near future.

14th April Year 2

I don't sleep well. I am hot, I have a headache and my mind is racing. I toss and turn thinking of the court hearing and the implications for the future. When I eventually get up I am tired and not fit for work.

The stress of the day in court has taken its toll. It actually was my day in court when I had my say. All issues that matter and are important to me were described, debated and most times with the judge's opinion falling on my side. It's all very well for the judge to say that the court cannot make any difference to the relationship with my daughter as it is too late, that it is now up to me to act responsibly and be aware of her attitude and not antagonise her. But the court has denied me any hope of access to her. The final decision has taken fourteen months; each month she has been encouraged to further cement her separation from me. It has taken fourteen months to decide I have done nothing wrong. Fourteen months of abusive false allegations have been ignored.

I naively thought that the experts in the Family Court, my solicitors and Social Services would in their wisdom be able to resolve our relationship. Each one stated that they did not believe it was in my daughter's interest not to have a relationship with her father. All agreed there was no apparent reason why she did not want a relationship with me. But no one was prepared to do anything about it. As my barrister said, the Family Court judge bottled out and her fractured relationship with me was not considered important. My wife has been left off the hook for her deceit. The judge said he was very distressed that a daughter is alienated from her father. But in fact, his most significant achievement was to ensure that she does not have a relationship with her father and is to be separated from me for the indefinite future!

Thurs 27th May

I imagined my legal team would be able sort it out but it is clear that they have been outfoxed. I almost feel as if barristers come to the court reading their briefs in the taxi and play it by ear when they get to spar with the other side. They just dip in and out with no commitment or follow through and nothing to measure their success rate. 

Tue 18th Jan

I try not to think about the hearing tomorrow. I am not looking forward to seeing my ex-wife, with her fraudulent demeanour portraying someone dominated and abused. I don't know how she continues to pull it off.

The magnitude of the effect of my daughter's alienation is really hitting me. My worst fear is that I will never see her again. My next worst fear is that something might happen to her. I shudder every time I read about some misfortune befalling a young girl. I was supposed to be the protector of my little girl and I have failed her. Although I must admit that she is probably secure where she is, even with her father out of her life.

Wed 24th Aug

A week has passed since I went to court. My thoughts have changed focus. I do not think so much about my daughter although I still pray that she will get through the day without anxiety, that she will be a loving and caring person but most of all that she will find it within herself to want to reconcile with me. Now I have to concern myself about how to get the best from the house sale so that I can purchase a property for myself to have independence and a base for my future life. I rule my daughter out of my life for the present, but I will always keep a place for her.

April 2019

Part of article in FNF publication:

25th April is International Parental Alienation Awareness Day

Each year thousands of children, who love both their parents, find themselves orphaned from one parent due to the poisonous behaviour of the other. Children are put under so much pressure to hate a parent that it becomes 'the real love that dare not speak its name' as Bob Geldof once said. It is devastating to target parents whose loving relationships end up slowly but surely being destroyed. It is simply child abuse and a form of coercive control, the effect of which is every bit as harmful as other forms of criminal abuse.

I find it difficult to get involved with activists seeking to publicise the evils of what is called 'parental alienation'. I struggle with this explanation anyway; I am sure that many children, against their natural instincts find themselves 'orphaned' from one of their parents and I believe child abuse is involved. My daughter is one of those children caught up in this trap. I always felt responsible for my personal relationship with her and when we were separated originally, that somehow I was part of the reason. I imagined it would be resolved quickly. But it hasn't been resolved. The judge in his summing up said "However .... her views are now set. Considering her age she is at a particularly important and vulnerable cross roads in her development. I feel that imposing contact on her at this time would only serve to cause further distress and resentment towards her father and professionals." When I was in court I almost felt intimidated, as if I was the one on trial. Looking back, I can see that the judge arrived at his conclusion, pleading lack of time, that he had no responsibility to take any action, as her mind was set, and he effectively locked the door on our relationship and threw away the key. He was not the cause of our alienation, he just represented one of the many obstacles in the way of renewing our relationship. Social Services, the GP, secondary school, CAFCASS, Met Police, lawyers (loadsofmoney) all ticked their various boxes and moved on to other things: "it is not our responsibility to look deeper into this situation?" In fact colleagues, family and society at large also, by their silence found the 'status quo' of the manufactured broken relationship acceptable.  Why?

Experts in this field appear to believe there is a strong possibility that the alienated child may suffer from difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships in later life and develop possible personality disorder, among other psychological or behavioural issues. What I have heard and read more recently makes me realise how little I knew about Parental Alienation and particularly how it may have affected my daughter.  My relationship with her, which I always considered deeply personal between her and I, has been hijacked.  Which leads me to realise there is a job for me to do to help to educate and change attitudes.  Of course it is much too late to benefit my dear daughter.

Woman's Hour 12th May 2019

'When parents Split - exploring the psychological manipulation of children during divorce'. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00051dz

This is a much better balanced piece which explores some of the issues around what is called 'Parental Alienation'. I pick out a number of points considered;

• Children caught in the middle of a divorce or separation can become pawns in a never ending battle between their parents.
• Eighty thousand children are affected each year in the UK caught up in parental disputes.
• The teenage child's brain is hardwired to be emotionally reactive and highly susceptible to being manipulated.
• Children can be encouraged/manipulated to believe one parent is all good while the other is all bad.
• The power of a parent to affect the mind of their child, for good or evil, should be recognised.
• At present the 'Wishes and Feelings' of children are considered as vitally important evidence in divorce proceedings? We do not ask children whether they want to go to school, whether they would like to be vaccinated, whether they should or not wear a seatbelt in the moving car and so on. Yet the stated opinion of a young child can determine which parent the child should stay with to the exclusion of the other parent.
• Children involved in PA and psychological manipulation can suffer emotional damage.
• Those affected can struggle with the legacy of PA for the rest of their lives.
• Should alienation of children be considered a felony? It is already banned in some countries.

These are only a small number of the important issues to be recognised and considered when family breakdown is occurring. No two situations are exactly the same, but the ones affected most and with most to lose are the children. Who is best placed to ensure the best interests of the children are served. CAFCASS, with background research and brief interview of the child, possibly with a manipulative parent nearby, are totally inadequate. Social workers, Family court judges, Met Police and other child protection agencies, GPs, schools, marriage, psychotherapy and other counsellors in this field, lawyers and journalists require a huge change of mind set and a great deal of work before they can make a positive contribution to properly protect children affected by family breakdown. One small starting point for me would be if the words mother, father, son and daughter were replaced by parent and child. 

Thurs 13th Sept (Year 4)

I receive a phone call from my solicitor to say that the barrister who represented me on the last two hearings is not available, having been held over on the current case. The proposed replacement is more experienced, but will come at the same cost. I am not very happy as the last time my barrister was held over my situation went backwards instead of forwards. There is nothing I can do about it.

Sat 15th Sept

It is 6.00 and I am awake on my favourite day of the week. I am overtired but I go down to put on an early morning wash and then go back to bed to read. My eyes start to get heavy and I set my book down and sleep again. My daughter appears in my dream opposite the room from me. She shows no surprise at seeing me and looks at me in a friendly way. She comes over to me to a seat on my right hand side and asks me a question. She might have asked about her homework. I try to answer her, happy to be communicating with her and wonder what else we might talk about, but the image disappears.

In the afternoon my previous next door neighbour of thirty years has invited me for a chat and cup of tea. I park up the street and notice a removals van outside my house as I approach. Then I see my daughter, side on between the back of a removals van and the front door. She doesn't see me and I go to the front door to ring the bell, hoping my neighbour will open it quickly. It is the first glimpse I have had of my youngest daughter for three and a half years. She looks taller and pretty and slim with her hair in a ponytail. I saw her for no more than ten seconds. I get the feeling it will be some time before I will see her again!

It took the court three and a half years to resolve the case made against me by my wife based on her false allegations. During this period I was moved out of my own house to stay in a room in a shared kitchen & bathroom. I am left with 40% of the value of the house I bought 30 years ago with my first wife. Legal and other costs have amounted to the equivalent to more than two years' salary. In the process my youngest daughter has been alienated against me.

The only thing I regret is the loss of my daughter.

26th February 2020

False Allegations

When we were younger there was just truth and lies. Anything which wasn't the truth, was a lie, a falsehood. "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God." Were we just innocent children? Now we are sophisticated adults, with a knowledge of real life, just as innocent children move on to become devious adults, we have played around with the meaning of truth. There can be varying degrees of truth, we can be economical with the truth and there is even false truth and fake news. Politicians and advertisers can bend the truth to suit their purposes which can be hugely effective if we are naive enough to accept it. And we can all engage in it at times. When we record an incident that happened in the past, we may massage it a little, to make it more interesting or to show ourselves in a better light; and that is only what we mull it over in our minds. For when we, at some time later, relate the 'facts' to someone else, we can make further subtle changes. "Yes, I was there, I heard and saw it all. I'll tell you the truth". In court, you occasionally hear it said that the defendant showed no remorse for his actions as he is sentenced, as if the judge was absolutely confident he knew the truth of the matter; but it is generally recognised that on individual facts he would be likely to get it wrong about half of the time, to the point where he might have been better advised to toss a coin. Even a lie detector is not infallible. In the Family Court, the judge does not have the benefit of the CPS, defence and prosecution lawyers or a jury. He has to face the curved ball of allegations tossed at him, for which there are no independent witnesses. I have recently re-read the allegations made against me eleven years ago. It was a very stressful for me at the time and each allegation was like an arrow aimed at my head. The effect on me of each allegation was confusing and deeply hurtful. Now each has a totally different meaning. They don't injure me, they were all designed to influence the judge, without reference to truth, certainly not the whole truth. They could have been taken from a catalogue of allegations against a husband/partner, rattled about and put in any order. The judge felt he had an obligation to take them seriously.

The Family Court is a private event help in secret. I feel it is time to list all these allegations for others to review and will do so in this website in the near future. 

3rd March 2020

Common definitions of the word 'Allegation':

• a statement, made without giving proof, that someone has done something wrong or illegal.
• a claim or assertion that someone has done something illegal or wrong, typically one made without proof.
• An allegation is a statement saying that someone has done something wrong.
• a public statement that is made without giving proof, accusing somebody of doing something that is wrong or illegal.

 14th August 2020

Covid-19 has put many aspects of life on hold and I've only just returned to this subject.

Although, as before I find them very hurtful, I have tried to view these allegations objectively. I notice that there are thirteen references to 'my daughter', suggesting that this young girl has only one parent that cares for her. Innuendo is a powerful weapon in the arsenal of the person making allegations. 

Common definitions of the word 'Innuendo': 

An innuendo is a hint, insinuation or intimation about a person, especially of a denigrating or a derogatory nature. It can also be a remark or question, typically disparaging, that works obliquely by allusion". 

 This dark art leads the reader in a certain direction with some confidence they will take a step further in the suggested direction. Here are some examples from the allegations above;

• 'Four years ago, the Respondent had an inappropriate relationship with another woman.'
• 'He was bribing our daughter by buying her things and taking her shopping. '
• 'He was always pushing me around and as he is tall and large; this is very intimidating.'
• 
  

The next hearing is scheduled for three months time giving ample time for further allegations to be made.  I will add these shortly.

03-01-2021:  I read the Affidavit presented to me, at the time, probably not very carefully, certainly not carefully enough to be able to understand and interpret it. Each paragraph felt like a barb aimed at my heart. I did not have a support system, although I did have some good supportive friends. I was not in a good place. I had lost the security of my home, my wife and step children of more than fifteen years and my youngest daughter, a love of my life; my employment status was very insecure with redundancies announced each week and I was living in a small bedroom with shared bathroom & kitchen. The barbs were even following me around and I could sense the opinion felt by some of 'It doesn't seem like that he would be like that, but there is no smoke without fire'. My friends helped me fight, but that didn't reflect my innocence. I had belief that the court system and the various agencies would reach a just conclusion. But from the very beginning I felt I was treated as guilty, until proved innocent and it was up to me to prove my innocence. It took years for me to discover that even if the guilt was not proven, there was never going to be an innocent verdict. The Family Court functions in secret. It is certainly not as I naively imagined, that it would produce an objective examination of the facts and come to a civilised conclusion. There is no measure of the overall success or failure of the result. It purports to represent the interests of children, but it takes no account of any 'collateral' damage caused by its conclusions. In this case I believe that damage was caused to my youngest daughter. The conclusion of this case prevented her from enjoying the love and support of her father and his family & friends during her formative years and indefinitely. Who cares?

My sister asks me why I torture myself going back over what happened. Maybe I should put it all behind me and forget. I have put it all behind me, what happened has happened and nothing will ever change it. But I will never forget. Having just read these two Affidavits, over eleven years old, this time with patience and care, it has been so much more informative. It's like I am now way above it all and can view it dispassionately. Although I admit sometimes, I was tempted to make a cryptic or sarcastic comment. There would be no point. When I first read the document years ago, I was almost totally blind to things that I am able to see now. If the initial Affidavit is viewed as evidence for the prosecution, as I would have perceived it in court, now, I cannot see anything of substance which I can identify as evidence of my wrongdoing. It is set out as a rant expertly using innuendo to blacken my name and assassinate my character, as if the rant was face to face in a high-pitched voice, not inviting a response. The judge, at Hearing 3 requested that allegations of sexual and physical abuse were to be presented by 3rd September. He made a point of the fact said that he had an obligation to review and take seriously allegations of abuse. The Affidavit was eventually presented five weeks late on 9th October and not as evidence of physical or sexual abuse or any other wrongdoing, which was what the judge requested. The facts that the allegations were five weeks late and did not address the issues requested were never challenged or addressed. My response which had to be produced in a hurry, stated the facts as I knew them, in a relatively civilised manner, as I imagined the Family court would expect of me. The matter of physical and sexual abuse, which was originally raised at hearing 2 was not actually considered until hearing 7 on 12th April. The tactics used did achieve precisely what was intended and caused a further delay of 11 months, during which time my daughter remained cocooned away from her father, subjected to views listed in the Affidavit, expressing negative and totally hostile views of him. This, to me, represents a total failure of the Family court to achieve its prime function to represent the fundamental needs of the child. I wonder how many cases follow similar lines; if they follow this pattern, probably far too many. I believe the Family court should be open to scrutiny. Which is the main reason I tell my sister I am still interested in what happened. I want to advertise these facts so that others can be made aware and hopefully find ways of improving the system. 

24th August 2021

How can it be that the false allegations that were recognised by the court as having no foundation in his final sunning up, were never re-visited?  Was that the way the court should represent the interest of a young girl who had lived through the proceedings from age eleven.  The court, although they were prepared at an earlier hearing, to accept a letter from the girl, never explained to her that the allegations made against her father, were without foundation.  That false information given to her was emotional abuse most vile, which surely now must be recognised as unacceptable with potential to cause lifelong damage to her.  Surely now the court and all advisers to the court should beheld to account.  And what about the actual abuser?

24th December 2021

I still haven't heard from my solicitor.  What message does that send me